Things to Do When the Universe Ends
by Booster1
Summary: The Doctor's had odd companions before. Still, it's not every day you pick up an anthromorphic embodiment of a principle sitting around at the end of the Universe, is it? Now, if only he could get over the feeling that SHE picked HIM up. Ten and Dawn.
1. The End and What Comes Next

**Title:** Things to Do When the Universe Ends

**Rating:** 15

**Setting:** Post-season 4 for Ten, way after Chosen for Dawn.

**Characters:** The Tenth Doctor, Dawn and a couple of OC's.

**Disclaimer:** They're not mine. They're not Morag's either.

**Summary:** The Doctor's had odd companions before. Still, it's not every day you pick up an anthromorphic embodiment of a principle sitting around at the end of the Universe, is it? Now, if only he could get over the feeling that SHE picked HIM up.

**Author's Notes:** Written by myself and Morag MacPherson cliffhanger style, desperately trying to stump each other. There will be panic, there will be chaos and there will be constant swearing at the other author.

* * *

Part 1 - The End and What Comes Next

(by Morag MacPherson)

The Doctor couldn't help himself.

Really, he couldn't.

From the moment that the Master had told him that **this** was the end of the universe, the Doctor had experienced this compulsion to see if there wasn't by any chance a little something more. He just couldn't wrap his five dimensional thinking around the idea of the universe having a terminal point. Not without, well, at the very least, he had to see it for himself.

What was he expecting? The White and Black Guardians, wiping down the tables and turning out the lights? He didn't really know. It all came to a head when he wound up getting drunk on rice wine with Lao Tzu and his flatulent water buffalo. Lao Tzu pronounced that a thing which occurs unobserved doesn't really happen at all, and that if the universe was truly destined to end, than who would be a better witness to its demise than His Most Eminent Timeliness*?

Thus it was that the Doctor headed to the end of the universe with an uncharacteristic (in this incarnation anyway) five o'clock shadow. Also, while wearing his blue slacks with his brown jacket. And smelling, ever so vaguely, of alcohol and methane. But after all, it wasn't like there was going to be anyone there to see him.

Except there she was, sitting in the black of the firmament.

The Doctor stopped cold in the threshold of the TARDIS. "Who in the blazes are you?"

She looked down at her own body before answering him. "I'm the anthropomorphic embodiment of a dimensionally transcendent physical constant." Now she looked up at him. "I think they used to call me Dawn."

________________________________________________________  
*The Doctor was never sure if Lao Tzu gave him this title in earnest or if the old coot was making fun of him, but suspected the latter.


	2. Girl on the Edge of Forever

**Part 2 - Girl on the Edge of Forever  
(by Booster) **

"Dawn?" he found himself repeating idiotically. "Lovely name, though surely not one that suits your current locale."

A brief half-smile crossed the girl's face. "Seriously, are you really trying the old what's-a-nice-girl-like-you-doing-in-a-place-like-this line?"

"No, no, no!" he briefly babbled, "I'd have expected a Dawn to have been hanging around at the start of the universe, rather than you know...here."

As if looking around herself for the first time, Dawn tilted her head and gazed at the surrounding darkness. Not a single light glittered anywhere. It was cold, it was dark and it was lonely.

"Good point," she said and started climbing to her feet. "So, where shall we go?" she said, nodding towards the open TARDIS door, light still spilling out into the firnament from behind the Doctor's body. Dawn could see things behind him, strange metal structures reaching towards the ceiling, odd and casually dumped piles of clothing, electronic parts and a hexagonal sided console that seemed to call to her in some way...

"You what?" the Doctor said, taken aback. Even for him, this was pretty fast at picking up a new companion.

She walked towards him and the TARDIS.* Then around it, fingers trailing out across the TARDIS's blue police box shaped surface. Returning to her start point in front of the Doctor, she raised one eyebrow. "Interesting. The outside is much smaller than the inside."

The Doctor blinked. Twice. "You have a very different way of looking at things," he eventually said, before standing back from the door and wordlessly inviting her in.

She stepped inside, and the universe behind her shuddered.

-----------------------------------  
*Well, walked in a form of walking as well as you can when there's actually nothing left in the universe to stand on to do the afore-mentioned walking on. Trust us, try not to think about it as it'll make your head hurt.


	3. Meeting People is Easy

**Part 3 - Meeting People is Easy  
(by Morag MacPherson) **

The Doctor had met gods, demigods, any number of supposedly supreme beings, not to mention the occasional claimant to the titles of Satan or the Great Adversary. He'd even met the Great Attractor. But, "An 'anthropomorphic embodiment of a dimensionally transcendent physical constant,' you say?"

Dawn traced her fingers along the edge of the console. "The anthropomorphic thing is kind of the best part: awareness, and the ability to go shopping. The other things, well, they mostly just exist."

"So," asked the Doctor while rubbing at his stubble, "was there a convention of you lot, there at the end?"

"Not really. I thought I saw Delirium for a moment, but then it was just more of me." She turned to him. "You do ask a lot of questions. What were you doing at the end of time? And why do you smell like a water buffalo?"

The Doctor pulled at his earlobe. "Oh, just sight-seeing. And do I really smell that bad?" He sniffed his sleeve.

"A little bit."

He pulled off his jacket and tossed it aside, exchanging it for the blue jacket he finally spotted hanging from a rafter. "But really, I know how **I** got here. So do you."

"Through this ship, I guess. It travels in time, right?"

The Doctor nodded. "So you're an intelligent anthropomorphic manifestation."

Dawn grimaced. "Stop calling me that, I gave you my name, you can use it. Speaking of which, what's your name?"

"I'm the Doctor."

"That's not a name," Dawn replied.

"It is so, it's my name. And why is it you're speaking twentieth century American English?"

That got her attention. She looked back down at her body, extending her arms like a dancer. "Because that's where I was anthropomorphic, before now," she muttered.

"I see." He raised up one hand and pressed the palm of it against hers. "It was quite the century. I've always been fascinated with that time myself. But why would you manifest only twice, there and here?"

Dawn let her fingers curl around the Doctor's. "I didn't choose to manifest there, I was forced into it. And I manifested here because I'm the one that has to press the restart button." The Doctor mouthed the words back at her, silently. "I'm the one who starts the next universe. But don't worry, it's not like time exists there, so you haven't delayed it or anything like that. And once I've done it, I lose the anthropomorphic incarnation, so while I'm around, we may as well have some fun." She guided his hand down to the console, and together they pulled a lever that sent the TARDIS zooming through the vortex.


	4. The Importance of Being Human

**Part 4 - The Importance of Being Human  
(by Booster) **

The console was almost alive, lights flashing, readouts changing every second and the rotor in the middle raising and falling as the TARDIS flung herself and her occupants through the time/space continuum. Dawn stared, entranced, every facet of her now-human again senses drinking in the sights, sounds and just the sheer feelings of it.

A rough, almost burnt small slot, lost in among the various junk-like additions to the console caught her eye and seemed draw her attention. She found her hand stretching towards it. And suddenly the Doctor was in between her and the console. Dawn blinked and shook her head. "I'm sorry?"

The Doctor rolled his eyes expressively. "I said, where are we going?"

Concentrating, Dawn returned her focus back to him. It was just getting used to these purely human senses again, wasn't it? She beamed suddenly, "No idea at all. I thought you had her set to go, so I just gave her a little push."

The Doctor scratched his chin reflectfully. "Ah. So, we're shooting through space and time at random, with no idea of where or when we're going to end up."

"Yup. That's about right."

The Doctor's lip twitched as if he was about to laugh. "Just like old times," he said starting to smile slowly. "Brilliant! Maybe I'll finally get to Barcelona now."

For the first time since this anthromorphic embodiment had steeped out of her universe and into his, the Doctor switched his attention from Dawn herself, to her choice of outfit. His eyebrows rose. "Any particular reason for the Dingos Ate My Baby t-shirt and blue jeans?"

Dawn's brow furrowed. "It... it just... felt right. Like everything else I could wear just wasn't me."

The Doctor nodded. "I get that every now and then," he said mildly, and made a mental note to mention the TARDIS wardrobe room soon. If she was like any of the other female companions he'd travelled with, that should give him a full 24 hours grace before the demands to go shopping started.

The noise of the TARDIS console abruptly stopped and the console room lurched to one side, throwing the two of them off to the side. Grabbing one of the padded rails, Dawn realised just why they were there and shot the Doctor a dirty look. He responded with one that more or less blaming her for starting the whole trip in the first place.

Regaining his feet, the Doctor tugged at his lapels, setting his whole coat straight. "Shall we?" he said, and operated the door switch on the console.

Dawn bowed, and gestured for him to lead the way. "After you, my good sir," she grinned, and the two of them stepped outside.

"Blimey!" exclaimed the Doctor, eyebrows shooting straight up. "I certainly wasn't expecting that!"


	5. The Good, the Bad, and the Genuinely Pu

**Part 5 – The Good, the Bad, and the Genuinely Puzzled  
(by Morag MacPherson) **

"You've decided to play John Wayne?!"

Dawn snorted at her new companion. "Please. I'm going to go for the whole Clint Eastwood, mysterious stranger-thing. I don't think you could pull off John Wayne either. Maybe Gary Cooper in 'High Noon'? The thin man, you know."

The Doctor shook his head. "The thin man is Nick Charles, and I could deal fine with Nick and Nora, if they really existed. I've always done well with the dinner party set, well, even if most of the ones that I attend wind up resembling a game of Cluedo." The TARDIS sat in the midst of a wide plain, with a town just visible in the distance. "But the Wild West? That's a whole other thing-that-I'm-not-very-good-at."

"I was just looking to get back to California. I wasn't very clear about the dates," Dawn admitted. "Well, I had it in the right neighborhood. What's a hundred years here or there when you've got all of eternity behind you? When you think of it that way, I did a damn fine job."

She started heading off towards the town, but the Doctor grabbed her arm. "What do you think you're doing?" he asked.

"I'm going to go check out the saloon, see if there's a show in town. Like the Madeleine Kahn from 'Blazing Saddles'."

The Doctor pulled her back. "Fine, but let's find a hat for you first." Dawn quit resisting and followed him back to the wardrobe. "So you like movies, I guess."

"Xander and I used to watch Westerns together," she said. She spied a leather vest and pulled it on over her Dingoes shirt. "Oooh, boots."

The Doctor leaned back, not wanting to get between the elemental forces of a physical constant and a woman faced with wardrobe choices. "Who was Xander?"

"A good guy. One of the good guys. A white hat, like this one."

Dawn plunked a ten-gallon hat on his head before setting a smaller, black one, on her own head. Eyeing a set of boots, she kicked off her sneakers and pulled the sturdier footwear on.

The Doctor removed the hat. "I don't wear costumes."

Dawn clucked her tongue. "Well, then don't complain when you come out of this with sunstroke."

Finally the pair of them headed towards the town. The townspeople paid them little mind in the bustling street. Dawn headed straight to the saloon. Unfortunately the piano player wasn't going to be in for another few hours, so Dawn elected to have a beer instead. The Doctor cocked an eyebrow at this. "You don't look of age."

"Well, gee, Mister Doctor, I'll just ask you one question: how much older than you is the universe than you?"

The Doctor's shoulders slumped in defeat. "Okay, fine. But just beer. No whiskey."

"Says the man who reeks of saki."

"It's not saki, it's rice wine."

"And water buffalo."

The Doctor was just about to volley the next retort when the saloon doors swung open. "Oh my," he murmured.


	6. Should Have Turned Right At Pluto

**Part 6 – Should Have Turned Right At Pluto  
(By Booster) **

It was a lizard. A seven foot tall lizard wearing a black cowboy hat and a gunbelt around its waist. Nobody else in the saloon batted an eyelash.

Dawn looked at the Doctor. The Doctor looked at Dawn. "I thought you checked the console to make sure we were on Earth," he said quietly.

Dawn's eyes widened. "Oh, no, you are not sticking the blame for this on me," she muttered. "Just cos this is obviously not where I wanted to be doesn't absolve you of doing all the little stuff like I don't know - _like making sure we're on the right planet for one!_"

"Mine? Doing all the little stuff?!?"

"Duh! Your machine – which doesn't even have seatbelts fitted if I might remind you- your responsibility to your customers--"

"Customers? _Customers!?!?_"

The lizard had by this point reached the bar, stopping along the way to chat briefly to the scantily clad woman sat dispiritedly around one table, fanning themselves in the heat. He grinned at the bartender, exposing a mouthful of rather sharp looking teeth. The Doctor and Dawn's argument was steadily rising in volume and intensity, attracting an interested look from the lizard.

"And another thing – where's the toilet in there? You showed me the wardrobe, which I will grant you is fantastic, but the rest of the facilities were sadly lacking on the tour."

The Doctor gaped, then his eyes narrowed in suspicion. "You're not trying to distract me from your mistake by going off on something completely unrelated, are you? I've had teenage girls in the TARDIS before, I know how their brains function…"

"Ha!" Dawn laughed scornfully, and leant across their table towards him. "And if you knew just how bad that sounds, you wouldn't even try that one on me. Perv. Been slapped by many outraged mothers of these teenagers, then?"

"…..a couple."

The conversation abruptly stopped as a black cowboy hat was flung across the surface of the table in front of both of them. Dawn and the Doctor both looked up. Yup, that was definitely the seven foot tall lizard there, looking down on them.

He grinned, exposing all those teeth again. "Mind if I thit down with you for a moment, folks?" he said, and sat down anyway, not waiting for an answer.

The Doctor and Dawn shared a look, a mixture of this-is-not-over-yet and a more practical get-ready-to-run-if-needed one. "Can we be of any help?" the Doctor asked.

The lizard nodded back over his shoulder towards the bar. "Bob thaid you were looking for me."

Dawn's jaw dropped. "You mean..."

"Yesh. That's right," said the seven foot tall lizard, "I'm the piano player. Now, wath there any tuneth in particular you were hoping for? And I'll warn you now, Dithco is right out of the quethtion."

"Um… for once, I'm actually stumped. Doctor?"

The Doctor started to shrug, only for the lizard to suddenly loom forward between them. His teeth were even more exposed than before, and he seemed on edge a lot more than a moment before. And a lot more dangerous.

"Doctor?" he said carefully, "You're_ the_ Doctor?"


	7. Where Have You Gone, Jim Morrison

**Part 7 – Where Have You Gone, Jim Morrison  
(By Morag MacPherson) **

The Doctor's eyes widened in recognition. "Clark? Is that you?"

Clark's smile resembled a crocodile's as he slapped the Doctor on the back. "What happened to the thcarf and all your curly hair?"

"Oh, that was a half-dozen regenerations ago. When did you leave the Temple of Offler?"

"'Round the thame time the diamond disappeared. Of courth' they dethided to blame the organ player, becauth I wath the only one there. The Great Lord Offler banished me off world himthelf. Now I play piano here on Mbatanoths every evening." Dawn had never before realized how important her square front teeth were to pronouncing the letter "s".

The Doctor cleared his throat. "Sorry about that, but I needed the Eye of Offler in order to stop the Domesday Device*, I know you understand."

"It'th nothing. I like it here. Pluth Jothie over there ith thweet on me. Thpeaking of which, whoth thith new girl you're with?"

The Doctor stood and made a polite bow. "My sincerest apologies. Clark, this is Dawn, she's actually a mathematical concept. Dawn, this is Clark. He was kind enough to look the other way while I saved the world, oh, must've been-"

"Three yearth ago, my time, I know you looth track of theeth thingth."

Dawn accepted Clark's extended hand and was pleasantly surprised to find it dry to the touch, and the scales on it pleasantly smooth. "It'th a pleasure. The Doctor alwayth bringth the prettiesth girls along."

Dawn cocked an eyebrow at the Doctor. "Does he now?"

"Yep. What were the nameth of thothe two who were with you at the Temple?"

"Nyssa and Tegan," said the Doctor, straightening his tie.

Dawn's eyes widened. "Two at the same time?"

The Doctor shrugged. "Neither of them was a universal constant wrapped up in a tiny package, so it seemed like there was room enough for both of them inside the TARDIS."

Clark held up his hand. "Wait. What conthtant ith she?"

"Yes, Dawn, you've never quite explained that yet." The Doctor returned to his seat, and set his elbows on the table, cradling his face in his hands.

Dawn eased back in her chair. "I'm the thing that separates and combines worlds. Some people call it the Void, some people say it's Quantum, but in general you can just call it the Key."

If it hadn't been resting on his hands, the Doctor's jaw would have dropped. Clark's jaw did. "Thay, ith there any chanth then that you could give me a ride home?"

* * *

*Like a Doomsday Device, only more medieval.


	8. In Which Dawn Turns Out To Be A Lightwei

**Part 8 – In Which Dawn Turns Out To Be A Lightweight  
(By Booster) **

Bob the barman stared across the bar at the table in the corner where Clark had joined that nice young couple from earlier. Only now, they all seemed to be arguing busily among themselves. Even Josie and Rebecca had roused themselves from lazily fanning the heat away to watch.

"Hey! He's supposed to be giving me a lift first!"

"Wait, wait! The Key? That's you?"

"It'th a thmall planet. Kinda flat, thaped like a record. Can't mish it."

"Uh-uh, mister. First come, first served, right. Doctor! Tell him!"

"But the dimensional unstability of the walls between parallels would be fundamentally breached at a quantum level leading to an ongoing cascade of dimensional incursions, surely?"

"Oh, and muthtn't forget the elephanth either."

"Don't make me hold my breath till I turn blue. My sister thought I was bluffing about that once."

"What about the void stuff? Why aren't you covered in the stuff?"

"Tho, thith flat planet ith on the elephanth, right? And the elephanth are on top of a turtle. In thpace."

"I didn't faint, but I did throw up on her new clothes. She was pisssshed…. I mean pissed."

A loud whistle interrupted all three of them and the loud 'discussion'. Dawn smiled up at Bob from where she was now sprawled across the table somewhat and hiccupped. Clark froze in position, his scaly hands in mid air, trying to vaguely indicate what four elephants on top of a turtle (in space) resembled. And the Doctor was wearing a large white pair of 3D glasses, bending forward staring at Dawn in wonder.

Bob was not looking happy. "You're being too loud over here, folks. Heck, you even woke Seth up. Settle it down."

Dawn smiled in his direction, and unsteadily climbed to her feet. "Listen, Bob," she said, wavering slightly from side to side, "Sorry 'bout the noise and all, dude, but…."

She hiccupped again, and an expression of panic surfaced on her face briefly before she threw up. All over Bob. She swayed for one more moment, a semi-horrified look on her face before opting for the easier option and passing out onto the floor.

"You're all barred," said Bob, "Get out."

It was a long walk back to where the TARDIS was parked.

Clark carried Dawn draped over one shoulder, hanging onto her legs with one hand and carrying Dawn's black hat in the other. He strode forward at a fast rate, causing the Doctor to up his pace just to keep up with the other two.

Eventually, Dawn regained consciousness. "Ewww! Lizard butt in my face!!"

The Doctor and Clark exchanged looks, but kept walking. "Tegan wath the loud one latht time, right? Even she didn't get me barred from my favourite pub," Clark muttered.

The Doctor clapped him on the shoulder, as they climbed the rise towards where the TARDIS was parked. "Don't worry Clark, we'll soon have you home again. Least we could do after that," he said, shooting Dawn a glare.

"Barred?" Dawn said, eyes screwed tightly closed to avoid seeing the afore-mentioned lizard butt again, "I'm sho sorrrry bout that. Also, you can shhopp sshouting now, k?"

Clark growled. "She better not be taking the pith, Doctor."

The Doctor paused at the top of the rise, and stared down at the ground below them. "I think we've got a bigger problem than Dawn right now."

The spot where the TARDIS should have been was empty. Various disturbances in the dirt around it testified to the amount of effort isomeone/i had gone to.

"Owie. Is this what a hangover feels like?"

"The TARDIS is gone."


	9. More Talk About Buildings and Food

**Part 9 – More Talk About Buildings and Food  
(By Morag MacPherson) **

"Whaddya mean it's gone?" asked Dawn as she sat sprawled among the rocky scrub where Clark had dropped her. The Doctor removed a small cylinder which glowed blue on one end when he pressed a button. "And whasht that?"

"It's a sonic screwdriver, and I'm using it to find out exactly where the TARDIS has gone." He paused in his scanning for a moment to retrieve a banana from his pocket. "Here, eat this, it should help with your drinking problem.

He handed her the fruit, which she dutifully began to unpeel. Clark arched his brow ridge. "I didn't realithe that bananash were a hangover cure."

"Mostly it will keep her mouth occupied," said the Doctor, pointing the screwdriver in various directions.

Dawn glared at him. "I resseem- I reesen- I ressen- I resent that remark," she said around a mouthful of banana.

"I'm sure you do." The Doctor replaced the screwdriver. "Clark, do you have any idea who lives in that direction?" He pointed towards a long stand of mountains located in the opposite direction of the town.

"Oh, we don't want to go in that direction. That'sh where Mad Miriam livesh." Clark shook his head.

The Doctor scratched his head. "I don't suppose she's called Mad Miriam because she's so mad about giving gifts and hugs to people who wander onto her property."

"Nope."

"They never are," added Dawn, who was feeding bits of the banana to a nearby vole.

"Mad Miriam ownsh mosht of the planet. She'sh a notoriouth gambler and gun-runner. Over there ith her factory."

"Does she have an army of robot guards?" asked Dawn.

"Nah, Mbatanoss is a notoriously Luddite world. She's probably got a posse of loyal young toughs and a small army of slave labor," said the Doctor. Clark didn't reply, just tapped a scaly finger on the end of his snout. "So, the TARDIS is in the hands of a vile warlord, we've been banned from the only saloon in a twenty mile radius, and Dawn, the dimensional tuning fork, is working on a hangover."

Clark nodded. "That'sh about right."

"It's not Tuesday again is it? I don't want to be kidnapped," wailed Dawn. The Doctor and Clark exchanged a glance.

"Well, this is hardly the worst case scenario," said the Doctor. He pulled a flask of water from his jacket, tossed it to Dawn, then started striding towards Mad Miriam's lair. "You'd damn well better be sober by the time we arrive."

Clark looked down at Dawn, then offered her a hand. "Thorry. He can be like thish whenever there'sh adventure to be had."

Dawn accepted the hand and was pulled up. "I know the type." She dumped half the water down her throat, and the rest of it on her head. Then she started after the Doctor, Clark just a few steps behind.

After about a half an hour, she tugged on the Doctor's coat. "What now?"

Dawn grimaced. "Is there any chance that there's a bathroom nearby?"


	10. Of Bushes, In One Form Or Another

**Part 10 – Of Bushes, In One Form Or Another.  
(By Booster) **

It turned out a little more difficult to locate a proper area for Dawn's visit to the toilet than first imagined. Thoughout the increasingly desperate search, Dawn's face got more and more strained and her legs became clamped tighter and tighter together. Any bushes they passed were either too sparse to hide anything from the Doctor or Clark, or just too high up in the canyon walls for Dawn to get to.

Eventually, the canyon led into a valley, sheltered from the winds and with a fresh stream of water running through it. The resulting fertile area caused the growth of several large groups of trees, various bushes and undergrowth. At least, that was how the Doctor described the area very loudly to Clark while Dawn spent some time behind the largest of these bushes.

Clark scratched his snout thoughtfully. "Tho, that coverth the plant life Doctor. What sort of animalth should we expecth?"

The Doctor paused for thought. He hadn't actually gotten that far ahead in his theory of local conditions and evolution, having part of his brain busy calculating the average bladder capacity of young teenage girls cross-referencing with the length of time Dawn was taking. Thankfully, Dawn's scream answered both sets of questions.

It turned out to be a particularly friendly vole that had snuffled at Dawn's ear at a most unfortunate time. In fact, the same vole that Dawn had been busy feeding banana to earlier that day.

"Still," as the Doctor remarked later as they continued to trudge up the mountain pass they'd eventually managed to locate, "At least you'd managed to get most of your trousers back on before we charged in."

"I'm still keeping him," Dawn muttered and tickled her new friend under the chin. Clark, who'd been starting to feel a mite peckish, looked disappointed.

The Doctor stopped and took another set of readings with the sonic screwdriver, before setting off once again. "At least the old girl's stopped moving now," he said thoughtfully, and tapped his teeth with the sonic screwdriver.

Clark stared around at the mountain scape all around them. "Taking a wild guesth, Doctor – we're thtill heading for Mad Miriam'th ethtate?"

Dawn looked up from where she'd placed Emort* into her breast pocket and re-adjusted the black cowboy hat on her head. "Like it could be anywhere else?"

The Doctor smiled wanly. "'Fraid so. You know, just once I'd like to be able to avoid the inevitable breaking in, dodging the guards and stealing the TARDIS."

There was the sound of several safeties being taken off various weapons, and several armed figures rose from their hiding places. The one nearest the Doctor, with a slightly more elaborate helmet than the others, levelled his gun directly at the Doctor's head. "Oh, I think we might be able to help you there," he smirked. "Go directly to Jail, do not pass Go and we collect $200 each."

"Oh joy," said Dawn, rolling her eyes. "It's the also inevitable ambush."

Emort just squeaked.

* * *

*That's what she decided to call the vole. Clark didn't get it at all. The Doctor took several days, then unconvincingly claimed that he knew exactly what Dawn had meant all along and simply hadn't found it funny.


	11. Locking Up Chekhov's Armory

**Part 11 – Locking Up Chekhov's Armory  
(By Morag MacPherson) **

"Y'know, it's traditional among your run-of-the-mill guardsmen everywhere to take us to your leader before you clap us in chains,"remarked the Doctor as handcuffs were placed on his wrists behind the back.

Chet, the guard who'd firmly secured the Doctor's bonds, spun his captive around and waved the sonic screwdriver in front of his face."And I suppose this little item here is perfectly harmless and could in no way help you escape?"

Clark grunted as he was bound in much the same way as the Doctor was."Well, it'sh not like you had to take my gun and bulletshs away theeing as you've tied my armsh together tho tight."

Dawn, who was strapped around one of the horses, lifted her head."Yeah, and I think that putting Emort into that hamster ball is just excessive."

Chet mounted the horse in front of Dawn. "Just because we're in the hire of a woman named Mad Miriam doesn't necessarily imply that we're morons, folks. Now you three have been trespassing on her property, which implies that byou/b might actually be the morons. Of course, given the interesting item that we've already delivered to our sanity-challenged employer, you also might just be adventurers. Which, as far as I'm considered, just makes you a particular flavor of moron." Chet's minions had finished mounting their horses and held ropes which pulled Clark and the Doctor by a collar at the neck. "So let's get a move on, and I really hope you don't have any bright escape ideas before Mad Miriam figures out what to do with you and your property."

The ride to the factory was uneventful. Clark and Emort both failed to chew through their bonds. Dawn couldn't wriggle off of the horse and found that, combined with her earlier drinking, the motion of the horse made her nauseous. The Doctor thought about breaking his own thumb in order to escape the cuffs, but decided that such action was still premature, considering that they were being escorted to exactly where they wanted to go.

Finally they came to a courtyard in Mad Miriam's estate. Clark's gun belt, the Doctor's sonic screwdriver, and Emort's hamster ball were laid in a pile in the middle of the square. Dawn was taken off the horse and bound in a manner similar to her friends. Chet had his men check the fastness of each and every knot and lock: all was in order. Afterwards they were led to a long hall, at the end of which stood the TARDIS.

Dawn leaned towards the Doctor and Clark. "Have you ever heard of something called _deus ex machina_?"

"Yes," said the Doctor.

"Do you think one's coming to save us?"

"It would be nithe if one did."

Dawn nodded. "However, short of that, I really hope you have a plan.'Cause I'm fresh out."

Chet cleared his throat. "I can hear you, y'know."

They reached the end of the hall. A tall, thin, elderly lady who could only be Mad Miriam stood next to the TARDIS. "All right. You've got ten seconds to explain why Chet shouldn't shoot you right here and now."


	12. Think Fast, Talk Faster

**Part 12 – Think Fast, Talk Faster  
(By Booster) **

The Doctor sighed loudly, managing to sound impressively bored, which is not is easy as it appears when surrounded by armed men. A trick Dawn had picked up over the years through various kidnappings, but still fun to watch someone else pull off.

"Look," he said, "This is all very simply a matter of miscommunications and misunderstandings and I'm sure we can work this out in a peaceful and civilised way."

Mad Miriam didn't look impressed. "Four, three, two…." she continued.

"We're from the IRS!" yelped the Doctor quickly.

Mad Miriam froze. Chet jerked a little. And the rest of the guards almost seemed to draw back away from them.

After a moment, Mad Miriam spoke. "….The Interstellar Revenue Service is looking into my holdings?"

"More validating the expenses claimed, and wondering if they might be of a more excessive than normal nature," Dawn said sweetly, stepping forward next to the Doctor. He flashed her a quick glance combining exasperation and gratitude.

"Your outgoings appear to be of a greater amount than most currently supported Planetary Governors, although combined with an interesting pattern of purchases from certain suppliers" he continued.

"Not to mention current replacements costs at the factory are running at a 5.4% variance rate from the standard deviations," bluffed Dawn.

The Doctor nodded. "As my assistant has mentioned, the factory is a prime consideration in our investigation and we will be needing a closer look at the premises."

"And in particular, their environmental impact on the local ecology," finished Dawn smugly.

Mad Miriam suddenly looked a blot/b more worried. "My credentials are in my top pocket, if you'd just care to inspect them," the Doctor said, "I'd get them myself, but I'm a little tied up at the moment."

Mad Miriam flushed, and gestured for Chet to step forward. Reaching into the Doctor's jacket, he pulled out a thin brown wallet and opened it gingerly. From Dawn's admittedly limited viewpoint, it appeared absolutely blank, and her heart sank. However, given the degree of paleness that Chet turned, maybe he was seeing something that she wasn't.

Chet carried it over to Mad Miriam, who also turned a little paler on reading it. "Well, Inspector Smith, this certainly seems to be…. a valid…. well, um, yes." She glared at Chet and the other guards. "Well, don't just stand there," she snapped, "Untie them!"

Soon, Clark, the Doctor and Dawn were all free of their restraints. Dawn immediately made a beeline for Emort, and stood there, clutching his hamster ball protectively to her chest.

"I swear I thought the ornamental shrubbery was claimable back," Mad Miriam said quickly, "Naturally, I'm prepared to repay the money in question."

At the back of the room, a particularly grizzled and thoughtful looking guard raised his hand. "Just one small question if I may?"

Dawn looked at the Doctor. The Doctor looked at Dawn. "Oh, I don't like this guy already," she muttered under her breath.

Mad Miriam frowned. "Oh, I'm sure we don't want to bother the inspector too much…." she said weakly.

"Oh, I was just wondering why they were talking about breaking in and stealing their blue box back when we first captured them, maam."

Mad Miriam blinked. "That's actually a rather good question. Inspector?"

The Doctor grimaced. "I'm glad you asked me that," he said, lying through his teeth, "The TARDIS contains all our monitoring equipment, and we were hoping to be able to do this survey without too much bother to the local populace. And the Planetary Governor naturally."

The guard scratched his stubble along his jaw. "And if she's your assistant, then the lizard guy?"

The Doctor beamed. "Someone has to carry the equipment after all!"

"And the hamster?"

The Doctor's face fell. "Ahh…."

Dawn quickly stepped forward. "For the environmental testing, of course. And he's a vole, thankyouverymuch!"

Mad Miriam tilted her head in thought, brows furrowed in suspicion. "I believe the fair compromise at the moment is to confine Inspector Smith and his staff to quarters, while I contact Sector Headquarters for confirmation that they're genuine," she eventually said. She was no longer smiling at the Doctor.

"Well, it'sh thtill better than being thhot," rumbled Clark resignedly as the guards indicated which way to go.

"And do another scan to make sure there aren't any other surprises lurking around," ordered Mad Miriam as they exited.

Ten minutes later, the Doctor was nodding approvingly as he glanced around the cell they were now in. "Good solid walls, high-up barred window just out of reach, guards stationed within eyeline… all in all, I give this high marks out of my experience in being locked up."

"Nice to be dealing with professionals," muttered Dawn in a highly sarcastic tone as she threw herself down on the bed.

The door opened and two guards stepped inside, one with a scanner and a puzzled look, the other with a charged pulse-rifle. Everyone prudently decided to give them room.

"Look," said the first guard, "This simply cannot be correct – look at it. Six different heartbeats registered, and only four people in here. It's broken."

"Oh, that old problem," the Doctor said brightly, "I've got two hearts, so that's probably what's causing the whole….. did you say_ six_ heartbeats?"

"Okay, that's two from you, sir," said the first guard, fiddling with the scanner, "One from your lizard porter, one from the hams…vole, which makes four…"

Dawn looked up from her slumped position on the bed. "What?" she said, "Why is everyone looking at me suddenly?"

The guard gulped, looked down at his scanner again, and then back at her. "Two heartbeats alright. Are…. Are you pregnant, maam?"


	13. Unlucky at Love, Lucky at Cards

**Part 13 – Unlucky at Love, Lucky at Cards  
(By Morag MacPherson)**

Dawn couldn't control the expression of disgust. "Hell no!" Clark and the Doctor carried expressions of shock, and Dawn waved her finger at them. "Doctor, you for one know that I haven't been in the position to get pregnant. And you, Clark, you know the only person that I've been hanging around with is **him**!" She indicated the Doctor, "So to make my point, all I have to say is, 'Hell, no!'"

The Doctor raised his hands in protest. "Hey!" Fortunately, Clark took better advantage of the distraction by tackling the guard holding the pulse rifle. The man with the scanner yelped and tried for the door, but Clark managed to wrap his tail around the guard's ankle.

His head landed on the floor with a crack just as Clark punched his coworker out.

"Well that wath thimple enough." Clark and Dawn gave each other a high-five while the Doctor stared at them blankly.

Dawn hoisted up the plasma rifle and fired it at the wall. The TARDIS was plainly visible through the hole that appeared. She stepped into the new exit as Clark rushed through it. The Doctor still just stood there. "Are you coming or what?"

The Doctor shook himself then ran towards the TARDIS, digging his key out of his pocket as he went. When he got the door open, Clark was the first inside, his gun belt and the Doctor's sonic screwdriver snatched from the conference table. Then Dawn made it inside, sans plasma rifle, but Emort's hamster ball securely tucked under one the Doctor pulled the door shut behind himself.

Dawn crouched next to the railings. "Need to... find out... where she... hires her guards from... and then bomb the place. Guards aren't supposed to be that bright."

"Very fine public thcool thyshtem on Mbatanoths," said Clark.

"Speak softly and carry a seven foot lizard," muttered Dawn. Clark gave her a grin, and she pulled herself up to give the lizard a hug. The Doctor was still staring at them when the embrace ended. "What?"

"You have two hearts."

Dawn appeared thoughtful for a moment. "Yeah," she replied, "I do."

The Doctor licked his lips before asking, "Why do you have two hearts?"

"I dunno," said Dawn with a shrug, "Why do you?"

This was enough to cause the Doctor to pull at his hair with both hands. "Because I'm a Time Lord."

Dawn walked casually over to the console. "Does having two hearts make me a Time... err, Time Lordette?"

"Time Lady," supplied Clark.

"What he said."

The Doctor was shaking his head. "At the very least you're Gallifreyan. But both are impossible, there aren't any others, I was with you the whole time and I didn't see any fob watches or lockets or anything of the sort." He pulled out his stethoscope and placed it on one side of Dawn's chest, then the other. "You have two hearts," he finished.

Dawn sighed. "And so do you. Okay, bozo, think about this for a second. What were you doing at the end of the universe?"

The Doctor rubbed his chin. "I was observing."

Dawn nodded. "And what does observation do to the thing that is observed?"

Realization dawned in the Doctor's eyes, but it was Clark who replied, "It changeth it."

The Doctor stepped backwards until his legs hit the command bench, then he sank down into it. "The TARDIS let you drive her," he muttered under his breath. Then he looked up. "So I turned you into a Time Lord by going to the end of the universe."

"Pretty much. So tell me: what is the second heart for, anyway?"


	14. In Which Dawn Does Not Get Claws

**Part 14 – In Which Dawn Does Not Get Claws  
(by Booster) **

The Doctor stared at Dawn for a bit longer, and tapped the side of his head. "I can feel you now," he breathed, "Deep in the back of my brain, I can feel someone there again. Another of my people… another Time Lord. Once again, I'm no longer the last of the Time Lords."

Dawn waved her hand in front of his face. "Hellooooo? Anyone in there? Whereas I'm glad you're so glad about not being the only Time Person around, what good is this second heart to me again?"

The Doctor waved a hand dismissively. "Oh you know, minor stuff like speeding the flow of blood round the body, increased cardiac capability, the ability to run a lot faster and further – which does come in handy I grant you…"

He continued staring at Dawn's chest, which only increased Dawn's desire to hit him over the head with Emort's hamster ball. "What's worrying me," he said slowly, "Is whether you've picked up another of my people's little genetic tricks…."

Dawn quirked her eyebrow, and made encouraging noises as he hesitated. "…Regeneration," he said eventually, still regarding her with a certain awe.

"Regeneration?" said Dawn blankly. "You mean, I'm gonna be like Wolverine, with the instant healing and the claws and the berserker rage?!? Eww! Hugh Jackman is hot and all that, but too much hair! Ewww! No! No no no!"

Clark coughed politely from where he was leaning against the console. "What I think the Doctor ith thaying ith that hith whole body changeth from time to time. Firtht time I met him, he wath all good solid teeth and curly hair and a long tharf. Next time, light hair, different face and walking around with a root vegetable on hith chetht."

Dawn looked at the Doctor, who just nodded. "You mean no Wolverine hair and claws, right?"

"Nyttha and Tegan were good enough to explain it to me," shrugged Clark, "Otherwithe, I doubt I'd have believed it mythelf."

Dawn frowned. "Damn. Because the healing part would have been pretty damn cool. I get so bored of all the _hey, lets kidnap Dawn today and then make shallow cuts all over her to get at her blood_ type days."

The Doctor finally stopped staring at her chest, and stood up, a small smile quirking at the side of his mouth. "Tuesdays?" he inquired gently.

"Tuesdays," agreed Dawn, the same small smile playing across her face.

He moved to the console and started flicking switches, altering settings, but still watching Dawn with an almost worshipful look in his eyes. "I never seem to do well on Saturdays," he observed. "Now, how about we drop Clark off on his odd shaped world and then we take you for a thorough physical?"

This time, Dawn did throw Emort at his head, muttering her apologies to him as she did.

"Ewww again! No! There will be no getting physical with me, even if I can apparently only drink one pint of beer in this body without getting totally pissed, and by the way, if that wasn't a flarelit tip-off that this body wasn't 100% human then I don't know what is," she ranted. "Just because I'm all Time Lady this and Time Lady that now, doesn't not mean there will be any kind of breeding and producing all new Time Babies to be re-populating your race, buster! No way! No how! I don't care where or when we are in the universe, my sister would still find a way to kick that well-shaped ass of yours!"

There was silence in the TARDIS for a moment after that. Then a small white handkerchief tied onto the end of an umbrella slowly emerged into view from behind the console. Just as carefully, Clark and the Doctor's heads followed it. Even Emort's hamster ball slowly edged into view.

"Um, what I meant was seeing a medical professional just to see what other changes you might be going through," the Doctor said, exchanging a wary glance with Clark.

Dawn swallowed. "It's possible that I may have over-reacted a little there," she conceded. "There may have been a few instances in my past where my breeding brand new races may have been strongly suggested."

The Doctor beamed, suddenly jumped to his feet, and began fiddling with the TARDIS controls again. "Well, that's okay then! Shall we be off?"

Clark looked at the Doctor. Dawn looked at the Doctor. "What?" the Doctor said. "This is no time to sit around in the TARDIS and mope – there's a great big universe out there to explore, places to see, people to meet, authority noses to tweak."

Dawn felt a wide grin spreading across her face. "Places to run to, places to run from?"

"Foodstuffs of exceedingly rare and precious vintages, sunrises over the largest mountains in the galaxy, planetary governors to be reported at the nearest IRS sector headquarters."

"More barth to be kicked out oth?"

"Lost and forgotten ruins from the depths of time?"

The Doctor grinned broadly. "All that, and a bagful of chips!"

Dawn crossed the space till all three of them were standing at the TARDIS console. Placing her hand on top of the Doctors, the two of them pressed down together on the activator. "Let's see what's out there."

And they did.

~FIN~


End file.
